Forgiveness

As we head towards the end of another year, there’s often an inclination to reflect on the year behind us. This can be a time of gratitude for the joys we’ve experienced, but often it’s also a time when we feel the weight of unmet expectations or goals, and unresolved emotions rise to the surface. In these moments, forgiveness can become the most profound gift you give yourself. 

What Is Forgiveness, Really?

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as something we offer to others, letting go of anger or hurt caused by someone else’s actions. But it’s much more than that. At its core, forgiveness is about release. It’s not about excusing a wrong or pretending everything is okay. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of resentment, regret, or guilt that holds you back. In other words, forgiving yourself. 

I want to offer you a new perspective: forgiveness might be something you owe yourself. Forgiveness for the expectations or goals you didn’t meet, the moments you weren’t your best, or the promises you made to yourself but couldn’t keep. Forgiveness for simply being human.

Why Is Self-Forgiveness So Hard?

We are often our own harshest critics. It’s easy to say to someone else, 'It’s okay, you did your best', but how often do we extend that to ourselves? Instead, we ruminate on mistakes, criticise ourselves for 'falling short,' and carry guilt.

One reason self-forgiveness feels so difficult is that we often confuse it with complacency. We fear that forgiving ourselves means we’ll stop striving or let ourselves off the hook too easily. But true forgiveness isn’t about letting yourself off the hook, it’s about letting go of the anchor. It allows you to move forward unburdened, not weighed down by shame or regret.

Forgiving Yourself for This Year

If you’re feeling the ache of unfinished business as the year ends, know that you’re not alone. We all had plans that didn’t come to fruition. Resolutions that slipped away. Conversations we should have had but didn’t. Time we thought we had but didn’t use the way we wanted.

Forgiveness here doesn’t mean brushing off those feelings. It means acknowledging them, sitting with the feelings, and then choosing to let go. It’s okay to grieve what could have been, but don’t let it define what comes next.

How to Start the Process of Forgiveness

Here are a few ways to begin offering yourself this gift of release:

1. Name It: spend time reflecting on what exactly you’re holding onto. Is it regret for a missed opportunity? Guilt over a mistake? Naming the feeling makes it real and tangible, and easier to address. After all, you can't let go of something you don't own. Calm offers a brilliant tool called the 'Feelings Wheel' which you can access here. We know that the deeper you understand your feelings, the better equipped you are to deal with them, and this starts with being able to name them.  The Feelings Wheel helps with this. 

2. Reframe Your Expectations: look at your year through a lens of compassion. What circumstances were beyond your control? What energy did you truly have to give? Would you hold a friend to the same standard you’re holding yourself?

3. Write Yourself a Letter: put pen to paper and write as if you were talking to someone you deeply care about. What would you tell them if they were carrying the same feelings? Now, say those words to yourself.

4. Make a List of What You Did Right: it’s easy to focus on what didn’t happen, but what about what did? Maybe you didn’t run the marathon, but you took more walks. Maybe the career goal wasn’t achieved, but you built resilience. Small victories matter and they result in big changes over time. 

5. Create a Ritual of Release: rituals can be powerful symbols of letting go. Write down what you’re ready to release on a piece of paper, and then destroy it. Spend time in nature, imagining the wind carrying your burdens away, or your thoughts floating away down a river. 

Forgiveness as a Practice

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time decision, it’s a practice. You might wake up tomorrow and feel the weight again. That’s okay. Begin the process again. Each time you choose forgiveness, it gets a little easier, and the burden gets a little lighter.

The Beauty of Imperfection

This year didn’t go perfectly. Next year might not either. And that’s okay. Forgiveness isn’t about wiping the slate clean or pretending everything is fine, it’s about recognising the beauty in imperfection. It’s about loving yourself, flaws and all, and giving yourself permission to keep trying.

As the year ends, look for peace not in the perfection of your life, but in your willingness to grow and forgive. You are enough, just as you are, right now.

This blog was inspired by every wonderful person I've worked with this year. Thank you for being part of this journey. I see your efforts, your courage, your humanity, and it has been a pleasure!